The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
