You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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