I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize