I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
