I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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