You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
