I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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