I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
