Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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