Will you blow on my dice?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
