dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i think i just lost a toe
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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