please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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