honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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