The maid of honor just puked.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
