We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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