Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
