she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
