between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
