I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
