I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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