That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize