Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
