i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
