Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
