Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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