i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
