Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
