I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
