I think i peed on brittanys purse
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
