I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
