so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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