I think I won the penis lottery.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize