im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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