If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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