The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
