only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
