don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
