We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just found puke in my bra..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
