I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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