i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
