im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
