I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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