Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
