I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You are the jesus of drinking
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
