that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
