you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
