I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
