today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
