i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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