someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
