Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
