ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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