I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
