i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize