Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
