My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
