Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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