Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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