I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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