Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Randomize
